An anti-self-help guide for women who are starting to suspect that the real problem in their relationship is him
Couples therapy is supposed to be about building trust, reciprocity, and mutual respect. After 16 years of working as a couples counselor, however, Lisa Sherper came to an uncomfortable realization: despite paying lip service to these values, many men simply aren’t interested in an equal partnership.
Yet women find it incredibly difficult to confront this fact head-on. Drawing on intimate stories from former clients, Maybe It’s Him exposes the often-subtle ways that our patriarchal society conspires to keep women in unequal relationships. Between men who express vulnerability only to provide cover for dominating behaviors, therapists who bend over backward to shield them from shame, and family members who normalize gendered double standards, women are often left confused, disoriented, and depleted. Despite doing the lion’s share of cooking, cleaning, caring, and planning, they habitually assume that repairing a broken relationship is their responsibility. Meanwhile, men let themselves off the hook.
Sherper offers women in relationships like these the kind of bracing honesty that is all too rare in couples therapy. As hard as it is to admit that your husband, your child’s father, is not willing to give as much as he receives, it is essential to stop making excuses for him. Rather than doing more to save the relationship, what women really need is to start doing less.
“Sharp and sobering, Maybe It’s Him will forever alter the way you think about couples therapy.”
—Laura Goode, Stanford University
“Sometimes the most important work isn’t fixing what’s broken; it’s finding the clarity to move on. Sherper gives readers the tools they need to look inward and make life-changing decisions for the better.”
—Eve Rodsky, New York Times best-selling author of Fair Play
“Coercive control rarely looks like cruelty. More often it looks like a reasonable man, a patient therapist, and a woman who keeps trying harder. As someone who lived this and was gaslit by my own therapists, I wish I had Maybe It’s Him as a reference. Lisa Sherper shows how couples therapy, by treating every problem as mutual, can mistake domination for typical relationship dynamics and hand the burden of repair right back to the person already carrying it. This is a clear-eyed, courageous corrective, and essential reading for any woman told to ‘work on herself’ while her partner quietly holds the power.”
—Dr. Christine M. Cocchiola, founder, Coercive Control Consulting Institute