An engaging exploration of what it means to be asexual in a world that’s obsessed with sexual attraction, and what the ace perspective can teach all of us about desire and identity.
What exactly is sexual attraction and what is it like to go through life not experiencing it? What does asexuality reveal about gender roles, about romance and consent, and the pressures of society? This accessible examination of asexuality shows that the issues that aces face—confusion around sexual activity, the intersection of sexuality and identity, navigating different needs in relationships—are the same conflicts that nearly all of us will experience. Through a blend of reporting, cultural criticism, and memoir, Ace addresses the misconceptions around the “A” of LGBTQIA and invites everyone to rethink pleasure and intimacy.
Journalist Angela Chen creates her path to understanding her own asexuality with the perspectives of a diverse group of asexual people. Vulnerable and honest, these stories include a woman who had blood tests done because she was convinced that “not wanting sex” was a sign of serious illness, and a man who grew up in a religious household and did everything “right,” only to realize after marriage that his experience of sexuality had never been the same as that of others. Disabled aces, aces of color, gender-nonconforming aces, and aces who both do and don’t want romantic relationships all share their experiences navigating a society in which a lack of sexual attraction is considered abnormal. Chen’s careful cultural analysis explores how societal norms limit understanding of sex and relationships and celebrates the breadth of sexuality and queerness.
“A necessary and thoughtful book that accessibly communicates a wide array of ace experiences.”
—Booklist
“Chen has produced a thoughtful look at what it means not to experience sexual attraction.”
—Library Journal
“A long overdue addition to the catalog of sexuality writing and resources. Chen thoughtfully positions asexuality not as its own unique category or identity but as one more point on the vast, diverse spectrum of human sexual identities. A must-read for everyone: ace, allo, or anywhere in between.”
—Lux Alptraum, author of Faking It: The Lies Women Tell About Sex—and the Truths They Reveal
“Through painstaking research and her considerable skill as a storyteller, Angela Chen brings needed attention and nuance to an often overlooked spectrum of asexual experiences, encouraging readers to consider what exists and what is possible in terms of human connection, consent, understanding, and acceptance. A book that makes room for questions even as it illuminates, Ace should be viewed as a landmark work on culture and sexuality.”
—Nicole Chung, author of All You Can Ever Know: A Memoir
“Accessible and eloquently written, Ace sensitively and accurately spotlights an interconnected series of outsider experiences. Few asexual-spectrum narratives so authentically and diversely capture the truths, the quirks, the tragedies, and the triumphs of our lives without alienating non-ace readers or appealing only to one subset of the ace population. Ace creates an inclusive tapestry of validating and eye-opening narratives that will give some readers an experience they may have never had before: seeing our ‘anomalous’ perspectives and emotions given the sensitive examination and validation we’ve always been denied.”
—Julie Sondra Decker, author of The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality
“Chen’s tenacious search for the precise language to describe her experiences is deeply moving and relatable. This book will inspire you to interrogate every assumption you’ve made about yourself, your sexuality, and your relationships. Ace is a revelation. We can’t stop thinking about it.”
—Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman, authors of Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close
“Ace is nothing less than a cultural feat. It’s a powerful book that interweaves reporting and research about asexuality in ways that will remain with readers long after they’ve turned the last page. Ace announces a new dawn, one in which asexual people are voicing their experiences without fear or shame. They’re here, simply living and demystifying misconceptions in the process.”
—Evette Dionne, editor in chief of Bitch Media and author of Lifting As We Climb: Black Women’s Battle for the Ballot Box
Author’s Note
PART I: SELF
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER 1
Arriving at Asexuality
CHAPTER 2
Explanation Via Negativa
CHAPTER 3
Compulsory Sexuality and (Male) Asexual Existence
PART II: VARIATIONS ON A THEME
CHAPTER 4
Just Let Me Liberate You
CHAPTER 5
Whitewashed
CHAPTER 6
In Sickness and in Health
PART III: OTHERS
CHAPTER 7
Romance, Reconsidered
CHAPTER 8
The Good-Enough Reason
CHAPTER 9
Playing with Others
CHAPTER 10
Anna
CHAPTER 11
Where Are We Going, Where Have We Been?
Thank You
Further Reading
Notes
Index
- “After decades of invisibility, asexuals are speaking up and gaining ground: ‘I don’t need to be fixed because I’m not broken,’” Chicago Tribune, book and author mentioned in piece
- “40 LGBTQ+ Books To Read Now & Always,” Bustle, book included in Pride Month roundup
- “‘A’ stands for ACE,” The New Indian Express (India), book quoted in piece
- “Kundiman Celebrates Pride 2021 with These LGBTQIA+ Books,” Kundiman, book included in Pride/AAPI roundup
- “Book of the Day,” New York Public Library, book selected as Book of the Day
- “6 Audiobooks for Pride Month!” BookRiot, audiobook included in Pride month roundup
- “They Ask Me What’s Better Than Sex, I Tell Them World Domination,” WUMN/Embodied Radio Show, interview
- “What It Means To Be Asexual,” THINK/KERA (Dallas NPR), live interview
- “My Ex-Girlfriend Says Her Cheating Was Fine Because She’s a ‘Relationship Anarchist,’” Slate, book recommended in “How to Do It” column
- “Compulsory No More: Heterosexuality, Sexuality, and Coupling,” Psychology Today, book and author quoted in piece
- “The stories close to our hearts,” The Silhouette (McAster University student paper, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada), book recommended as a resource
- “Out in the Bay: Learning from asexuals about sex & relationships,” Bay Area Reporter, write-up on Out in the Bay/KALW interview
- “You Might Actually Be in Love With Your Best Friend,” The Cut, podcast interview
- “Learning from Asexuals About Sex & Relationships,” Out in the Bay/KALW (Bay Area NPR), interview
- “Arts Etc. – February 3, 2021,” International Examiner, book mentioned in roundup
- “2021 Over the Rainbow Book List features 48 titles for adult readers,” American Library Association, chosen as a Top Ten title in their “Over the Rainbow Book” List
- “5 Queer Books We Loved in 2020,” them., included in reading roundup
- “Electric Lit’s Favorite Nonfiction Books of 2020,” Electric Literature, included in reading roundup
- “NPR’s Best Books of 2020,” NPR’s Book Concierge, featured in their holiday round up of recommended titles
- “Asexuality can teach us all how to have better relationships, one author says. Here’s how.” Washington Post/The Lily, Q&A
- “The Rise of the 3-Parent Family,” The Atlantic, essay
- “Why are you so obsessed with asexual people’s sex lives? (Angela Chen),” The Manwhore Podcast, podcast interview
- “Why Aren’t There More Books About Asexuals?” Electric Literature, Q&A
- “A New Book Explores the Complexities of Asexuality,” The Advocate, Q&A
- “Read Me: Angela Chen’s Ace Challenges Us All to Reframe How We Talk About Sex,” them., Q&A
- “Asexuality Is Not Just for White People, Says a New Book,” Zora/Medium, Q&A
- “ACE feat. Angela Chen,” Sounds Fake But Okay, podcast interview
- “Ace by Angela Chen,” A OK, podcast interview
- “Ace,” Call Your Girlfriend, podcast interview
- “Angela Chen,” Being LGBTQ, podcast interview
- “Asexuality with Angela Chen, Mandatory Friendship At Work and Reframing Your Thoughts,” Just Between Us, podcast interview
- “The Uses and Abuses of Narrative,” Powell’s, essay
- “65 Queer and Feminist Books Coming Your Way in Fall 2020,” Autostraddle, one of 65 new queer and feminist titles releasing this fall in roundup
- “September 2020 Reads for the Rest of Us,” Ms. Magazine, included in “September 2020 Reads for the Rest of Us” roundup
- “Let’s Rethink How We Talk About Love, Intimacy, and the Absence of Desire,” Literary Hub, excerpt
- “Dethroning Romance: Angela Chen Archives the Evolution of Asexuality,” Bitch Media, Q&A
- “Ace is the first book of its kind. Here’s why anyone, asexual or not, should read it,” Mashable, Q&A
- “Angela Chen on Asexuality in a Sex-Preoccupied World,” Mindscape, podcast interview
- “The Sanctuary of Trees, How to Argue with a Racist and Other New Books,” Scientific American, included in the “Recommend” column in the September issue
- “10 Books Set to Become the New Feminist Classics,” Shondaland, included in New Feminist Classics reading roundup
- “Episode 93: How to Live Single, Pt. 3: Sexpectations,” Unladylike, podcast interview
- “Most Anticipated: The Great Second-Half 2020 Book Preview,” The Millions, included in 2020 Book Preview roundup
- “How I Discovered My Own Asexuality Without Knowing It,” Buzzfeed, excerpt